So, fun fact: I have made upwards of four Tabletop RPGs:
Hello to all who read this. As you probably know, my name is Marcosias, and I’m the author of this blog.
As is no doubt aware from the sporadic posts and broad nature of said posts, I am fairly bad at keeping schedules. There are many things that I want to post about, but I either forget or lack the drive to do so consistently. This post is to address exactly why.
Apologies in advance if the writing starts to tangent, but I need to put these thoughts somewhere.
As some of my readers and friends may know, I have Major Depressive Disorder, also called major depression. This means that, at random times, I may suddenly feel a sense of loneliness, self-depravity, or inferiority – sometimes this has a trigger, sometimes it just happens. But at all times, it is an inconvenience to me.
In the past 7 years, I have attempted suicide upwards of ten times – the most drastic of which being November and December 2014, where I was admitted to the ER by police escorts twice in the course of two months. During this time, I was under watch for about 5 days, where I stayed in the hospital.
While I haven’t tried anything in the past year or so, I constantly think about it. In those thoughts, the idea of being useless, never achieving my goals, financial worries, and fear of failure constantly take over. The term “struggling with depression” doesn’t seem to fit; struggling implies I think I have a chance to get past it. In my case, at the very least, I never feel truly better.
To try and combat these symptoms, I try to laugh a lot, even going so far as to fake smiles and laughs. I make daily goals on getting people to smile, whether its my friends, coworkers, family, or even strangers that I see on the street. My friends think that I’ve improved – I’ve got a new job that I like, I have some games that I spend my free time on, and I even started making a new TRPG that seems to be working out all right.
But in all honesty, it feels like I’m just lying.
Even when I laugh uncontrollably at Markiplier, or see a touching scene in a movie or anime, I can’t stop thinking about how the world would be a better place without me. I’m wasteful, passive, spiteful, and harsh, and to be honest, I hate everyone that I meet.
… For the most part.
The thing about depression is, even when you know the feelings of uselessness and inferiority are untrue, you cannot stop believing them. Its as if you were told it from the day you were born, and no one ever corrected it.
I constantly feel sick to my stomach just looking in the mirror, and I can never stop thinking that my friends just pretend to put up with me.
I want to scream as loud as I can, for as long as I can.
I want to punch someone or something as hard as I can.
I want to hurt everyone, including myself.
But, because that is looked down upon by society, I grit my teeth into a smile and bottle it up. It hurts to feel like this, but being unable to cry. To forget things constantly, but always remember the bad things.
To hurt the ones you love, when you just want to die.
Now to clarify, I’m not telling you to go out and shout how you want to commit suicide. I’m not condoning it, nor am I saying that everyone with depression feels the same way. Like all of my posts, this is how I, personally, feel [when I’m depressed].
Sorry for speaking so much, but I needed to say this. To everyone who reads my posts, thanks for sticking with me. Reviews for Zestiria X, Zestiria the Game, Berseria, and the Monogatari series are coming soon, with other reviews possibly in between.
-Marcosias A. Isif
Apologies. I know I haven’t been very active lately, but there’s been a lot of crap piling up in my life – most of which, I’ve managed to clear out. In case you aren’t in my connectwork, here’s what’s been going on:
-Dropped out of college completely. There’s very little chance I’ll go back at this point, but I do appear on campus every now and then.
-Got a job at Walgreens – currently working around 30 hours per week and getting 10.25 per hour. I am the Photo Specialist.
-Now I am on Riddlin as well as Lexipro, and also taking D3 tablets every day. Also visit a therapist once a month.
-Moved out of my mother’s house, due to my stepfather, stress, and other things. I moved in with two of my friends, and it’s been going fairly well.
-Gained and (kind of) lost a girlfriend. Enjoyed her presence while it lasted, still miss her.
-Apparently Donald Trump is running for president. So, yeah, that’s a thing.
Anyway, enough about me. I’ll try to post more reviews and other stuff as often as I can, because apparently keeping a schedule is too hard for me. But hopefully, there will be a solid one soon.
You read right: Visual Novels. I don’t talk about them much even though I am a fan of Japanese culture / anime / manga, but I am a huge fan of VNs. I even wrote one back when Katawa Shoujo was only in Act I (I was unable to work on it, though, as my laptop killed itself).
But I digress: the reason I suddenly bring up the phrase is because I am asking you. The reader. The Internet. That lonely kid in the corner who has The Voice of God.
I need your help.
I have come up with a (rinsed, but solid) plot for a VN, and I am looking for helpers. I have the software, I have the idea, and now I need the manpower (or womanpower). Currently, the things I need help with are as follows:
•Cowriter(s). I have a basic idea and a starting point, but that’s it.
•Composer(s). If I’ve learned anything from using a Mac for 7 years, it’s that I can’t use Music programs worth a flying shit.
•Character Designer(s). This is a maybe, as I can draw fairly well, and I have started using a tablet for my Mac. It’s always cool to have multiple art styles and views, though.
•Someone with programming skills. I am relearning how to use Ren’Py, but some of the things I’m doing might take me a while to learn… or never.
•Beta Testers. Obviously, we’ll need some VN Gamers who are willing to test it out, based on the genre of the game. They will also help determine the game’s rating.
•Voice Actors. This will probably be the most fun, and the most difficult (aside from programming). People with talent to voice one of the 20+ characters I have planned will be a great help. This is not a necessity, nor do I truly know if I can add voices to this.
•Photographers. This goes hand-in-hand with artists, but real photographs of Japan will give the game more realistic values.
Just so I’m clear, this project is completely nonprofit. This is due to a couple reasons, but mainly because I am unable to pay minimum wage for two people, let alone for approximately 30 people at a regular rate. This is purely a charity project, unless we can come up with a way that everyone gets paid.
Currently, I have enlisted four potential voice roles (but that part will come much later). At the very least, I’d like help planning the story a little better than I already have.
If you do want to help out, just send me an email, a tweet, a post, a SMS, or anything to let me know that you’re interested. My information is below. I will start a page for the Visual Novel(s) on this blog (and the Moronic Spasms one, if it becomes more popular).
Thanks in advance to those who want to help.
Twitter: Marcosias Isif @DemonEvangeline
Facebook: Marcosias Adam Bowman
So, if you haven’t been watching my many blog posts every few months, you’ll not nee that I have just started a To Aru RP Forum. Please, I encourage you to check it out, or even join, if you are interesten in the series. When science and magic cross… a new world will form!!
Forum Link: http://toaruomoshiroinorp.createaforum.com/