Art by Rebecca (Keinelove) Kaga from KanColle
Hello to all who read this. As you probably know, my name is Marcosias, and I’m the author of this blog.
As is no doubt aware from the sporadic posts and broad nature of said posts, I am fairly bad at keeping schedules. There are many things that I want to post about, but I either forget or lack the drive to do so consistently. This post is to address exactly why.
Apologies in advance if the writing starts to tangent, but I need to put these thoughts somewhere.
As some of my readers and friends may know, I have Major Depressive Disorder, also called major depression. This means that, at random times, I may suddenly feel a sense of loneliness, self-depravity, or inferiority – sometimes this has a trigger, sometimes it just happens. But at all times, it is an inconvenience to me.
In the past 7 years, I have attempted suicide upwards of ten times – the most drastic of which being November and December 2014, where I was admitted to the ER by police escorts twice in the course of two months. During this time, I was under watch for about 5 days, where I stayed in the hospital.
While I haven’t tried anything in the past year or so, I constantly think about it. In those thoughts, the idea of being useless, never achieving my goals, financial worries, and fear of failure constantly take over. The term “struggling with depression” doesn’t seem to fit; struggling implies I think I have a chance to get past it. In my case, at the very least, I never feel truly better.
To try and combat these symptoms, I try to laugh a lot, even going so far as to fake smiles and laughs. I make daily goals on getting people to smile, whether its my friends, coworkers, family, or even strangers that I see on the street. My friends think that I’ve improved – I’ve got a new job that I like, I have some games that I spend my free time on, and I even started making a new TRPG that seems to be working out all right.
But in all honesty, it feels like I’m just lying.
Even when I laugh uncontrollably at Markiplier, or see a touching scene in a movie or anime, I can’t stop thinking about how the world would be a better place without me. I’m wasteful, passive, spiteful, and harsh, and to be honest, I hate everyone that I meet.
… For the most part.
The thing about depression is, even when you know the feelings of uselessness and inferiority are untrue, you cannot stop believing them. Its as if you were told it from the day you were born, and no one ever corrected it.
I constantly feel sick to my stomach just looking in the mirror, and I can never stop thinking that my friends just pretend to put up with me.
I want to scream as loud as I can, for as long as I can.
I want to punch someone or something as hard as I can.
I want to hurt everyone, including myself.
But, because that is looked down upon by society, I grit my teeth into a smile and bottle it up. It hurts to feel like this, but being unable to cry. To forget things constantly, but always remember the bad things.
To hurt the ones you love, when you just want to die.
Now to clarify, I’m not telling you to go out and shout how you want to commit suicide. I’m not condoning it, nor am I saying that everyone with depression feels the same way. Like all of my posts, this is how I, personally, feel [when I’m depressed].
Sorry for speaking so much, but I needed to say this. To everyone who reads my posts, thanks for sticking with me. Reviews for Zestiria X, Zestiria the Game, Berseria, and the Monogatari series are coming soon, with other reviews possibly in between.
-Marcosias A. Isif